Tracy Tresidder

When You Stop Trying To Gain Control You Actually Get It



Posted: Saturday, April 14, 2007

by
Coaching 4 Teenagers

Why is it that as our children move into the teenage years we, as parents, often try to pull in the reins and take more control? We often use one of the Seven Deadly Habits, as described by William Glasser which ulitmately destroys the parent/teen relationship.
  • Criticising
  • Blaming
  • Complaining
  • Nagging
  • Threatening
  • Punishing
  • Bribing or rewarding to control

    Do any of these ring true with you? If so it's time to think about replacing them with the Seven Connecting Habits of Choice Theory.

  • Supporting
  • Encouraging
  • Listening
  • Accepting
  • Trusting
  • Respecting
  • Negotiating differences

    When you next disagree with your teenager think about this: "Is what I am about to do or say going to bring me closer to my teenager or move us further apart?" Do what you can to keep close. The relationship takes precedence over always being "right"

    Choice Theory challenges the ancient "I know what's right for you" tradition and replaces it with "the only person I can really control is me, and I choose everything I do" So next time you are about to nag, criticise, complain, threaten or punish your teenager think about using one of the Seven Ways to Coach your teenager instead and begin to transform your relationship into one of mutual love and respect.

    This month I would like you to take on a new way of being with your teenager. Being in control of you and not trying to be in control of them. Ask yourself these questions as the challenging moment arises:

    • Do I want to make them wrong and me right just for the sake of being right?
    • Do I respect them and value their unique qualities?
    • Do I really listen to them and understand their point of view?
    • Do I go into rescue mode instead of supporting them so they learn to become responsibile?
    • Do I want to command and direct or do I want them to become self-directed?
    Make a copy of the Seven Deadly Habit list and review it each day - catch youself in the act of being "that" way.  Now try to replace your way of being with one of the Seven Connecting Habits and watch your relationship transform.

    • Tracy Tresidder MEd, PCC is an ICF professionally certified coach. She was named the ICF 2009 Coach of the Year (NSW). Tracy specialises in working with parents and teens. Parents - learn how to assist your children to build lives of confidence, courage and compassion. Discover the seven simple steps to create a mutually loving and respectful relationship with your teenager. Go to http://www.coaching4teenagers.com.au to see the programs that are available now. Tracy is also the Director of Professional Standards for ICF Australasia, an ICF Assessor and Mentor Coach. Visit the website to see more of what she has to offer. http://www.tracytresidder.com Tracy Tresidder; Website

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    Top-level comments on this article: (1 total)
    » left by Anonymous 1 year 48 days ago.
    I really hate this sappy, hand holding non-parenting approach. My children are my children, not my friends. I do control them, not because I enjoy controlling others, but because I know what is best for them being the adult, the PARENT! When they are wrong, they will be told they are wrong. They are shown respect in that they have value as human beings. I definitely listen to their POV. Children need to be rescued and lead to do the right things. I want to command and direct until my children are able to be self-directed. They only learn to become self directed by being shown how things are done correctly & responsibly.
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